New mums and pregnant women are annoying

I won’t be joining NCT again because new mums and pregnant women are annoying. 
Ok hear me out, hear me out. You know how annoying I sound to you, mum of two? Or you, mum of a 5, 10 and 13 year old? Yeah, well I know that now because I now know my place in the mum hierarchy (and there is definitely a hierarchy). Most higher-up mums nod kindly when you’re bleating on about teething or sleeping or whatever insignificant crap you’re on about. They kindly listen, and offer advice only when explicitly asked, they make the right faces and sympathise at the right times but what they’re really thinking is what the other higher-up mums actually SAY which is “just you wait!” or “that is nothing compared to XYZ” or “try having three under three” or “awww, I remember that stage” or “YOU ARE SO EFFING CLUELESS, GO AWAY!”. 
Most higher-up mums don’t ram it down your throat in a “know your place!” kinda way. But some do. And now I completely understand why.
My 14 month old didn’t sleep a wink, A WINK, last night. She had a raging temperature, couldn’t drink anything without throwing up and made a constant “uuuuuuuggggghhhhhh, uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh” noise ALL NIGHT and has been doing it ALL DAY today so far. Now, there will be mums at a similar mum grade to me reading this who will be nodding sagely and thinking “it’s hard isn’t it?” and higher mums reading this who are yelling “I HAVE THREE UNDER THREE WITH CHICKEN POX, BITCH!”. They probably won’t read my whiffling navel gazing mum of one trifles any more, which is good because anger is an unhelpful emotion and leads mums of three under three to start secretly daytime drinking in the under-stairs cupboard. 
In the same vein, I won’t be joining NCT again for my second baby as I thought I would. I moved towns and thought that when I got pregnant again I’d try to recreate my long lost NCT group in my new town – but I just can’t. I can’t sit there and listen to all the first time preggers talking about birth pools and natural labour and hypnobirthing and saying things like “I heard Pethidine is like giving your baby heroine” and “Epidurals are the work of Satan” and “I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t breast feed, it’s just so selfish” and “tee hee is it true that I might pooh during labour? Eek! I really don’t want to!”
I’d just have to sit in silence the entire time for fear of blurting out things like “I guarantee that NONE of you bitches will give birth in a pool!” And “you will probably ALL crap the delivery table but you won’t care!” and “Most of you will end up having the baby heroine AND Satan’s needle because newsflash wazzocks – IT REALLY REALLY HURTS”. And “don’t come crying to me because you’ve decided you ONLY want to breast feed and your baby is awake crying every two hours because I will be combination feeding for that VERY reason” 
I’ll still tow the line when I encounter a new mum, I’ll still edit my birth story for first time preggers and nod encouragingly when they say they’re going for a natural birth. I’ll be like the kind higher-up mums were to me and I promise NEVER to belittle what they’re going through for the first time by one-upping them. 
But one thing I will tell them is something a friend warned me about: your first post-baby period. Because I don’t care where you are in the hierarchy, no one needs to get caught out by that. In fact I won’t tell them anything, I’ll just show them the same picture that my friend showed me. 
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Mum mates (if there’s a fire – I know they’ve got my back)

I wanted to write about the importance of having a mum support network. I started loads of times and couldn’t really find the words to truly emphasise just how important it’s been for me personally. I could just say “it’s really f*cking important”. But that’s a bit sweary and not very helpful. So I have decided to tell you about my own support network and you can fill in for yourself how you think they have each individually and together helped me, supported me, reassured me and made me laugh out loud at 4:20am.
Before you read this you should know that I’m not great at putting people in boxes and figuring them out straight away – in fact I’m pretty terrible at it. My technique for understanding people is to think of what they’d be like in a fire and work back from there. Don’t ask me why but it seems to work.
Nina – the cool one; looks cool, speaks cool, just is cool. But completely effortlessly. She’s that girl in the year above you at school who you tried to do your hair like, but failed. Motivational through her sheer belief that things will be great. In a fire Nina would be the one slapping you round the face saying “get a grip you idiot, and don’t forget the marshmallows for toasting!”.
Ruth – so together but with such a witty, cheeky sense of humour, she makes me want to type “LOL” and I never type LOL. Takes everything in her stride, seemingly completely unflappable. In a fire she’d be the person standing on the front lawn (maybe with a G&T) wondering what all that fuss was about and secretly wondering if it’s too soon to crack a joke about the fact I forgot to put on trousers in all the panic.
Raluca – one of the most nurturing people I have ever met, so caring, huge heart and seems to worry about herself last. You could bottle her and use her to heal the hardest of hearts. In a fire she’d be the one taking care of anyone that was singed and listening to your pathetic tale of the splinter you got in your finger trying to open the front door.
Bianca – a force to be reckoned with. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person more sure of their own mind or where they stand. If we were in some mythical time, she’d be the one wearing the skull of the last person that p*ssed her off as a necklace and leading the rebel army, possibly whilst riding a dragon. In a fire she’d be the person kicking the living daylights out of the person who started it.
Vicky – touchingly thoughtful, thinks of others constantly and one of those people you vow to be more like every year, you know, the one who never misses your special day and moreover whose card arrives on time, and is personalised. The one who makes you shake your head in wonder and go “…she remembered”. In a fire she’d be the one to save your most treasured item that you forgot when you ran out panicking.
Anna – the kind of person you are with for five minutes and just feel better about life in general. Infectiously positive with a thousand watt smile that just makes you feel OK about the world. The human equivalent of looking at a tranquil sea. In a fire Anna would be cheering you on whilst you tried to dig yourself out through the floor with a spoon, before gently drawing your attention to the fact that she’d unlocked the front door. Then reassure you that digging was a good plan though.
Bree – human ray of sunshine. Excited and vivacious about life, magnetic; draws people to her. Makes you feel energised and want to go and run through a meadow shrieking “everything’s going to be awesome” or make her a friendship bracelet and solemnly vow to become blood brothers forever. In a fire Bree would save everyone. Then make the firemen and cup of tea. Or glass of wine.
Sophia – Considered, intelligent, sweet hearted and completely stunning. So modest you could miss out on knowing her unless you really needle in there. The kind of person you could spend a whole day talking to and never run out of things you want to know about her. In a fire Sophia would be the one grabbing a can of beans, an oven glove and a bag of flour and fashioning an extinguisher. She learned it the time she ran a fire training camp in the Outer Hebrides for a year. The answer to your next question is “because you never asked”

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